I Love My Kids, But I Miss My Old Self

Motherhood Unfiltered Series

Not just the sleep or the clean house. You miss you—your thoughts, your energy, your dreams, your name spoken without a little voice calling “Mom!” at the end of it.

And yet... you feel guilty for feeling this way. Because you love your kids. Fiercely.

But the two truths can coexist: You can be grateful for your children and still grieve the version of yourself that got buried under diapers, dishes, and duty.

You're not alone.

A study published in Developmental Psychology (2019) found that women experience a significant drop in life satisfaction in the first three years of motherhood, largely tied to the loss of autonomy and self-identity (Margolis & Myrskylä). It’s called matrescence—the psychological transformation of becoming a mother, and yes, it can feel like losing yourself before you find yourself again.

So what do we do with this grief?

1. Acknowledge It—Without Shame

There’s no healing in silence. Journal it. Say it to a friend. Whisper it to God.
Psalm 139:1-3 reminds us: “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me.”
Even when we forget ourselves, He sees.

2. Reclaim One Thing That Was "You"

You don’t need a full makeover. Start small: paint again, dance in the kitchen, listen to the music you loved at 22.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Alexandra Sacks, who pioneered the conversation on matrescence, suggests “identity mapping”—writing down parts of your pre-mom self and slowly re-integrating them.

3. Redefine Self-Care as Self-Respect

This isn’t spa days. This is saying no to another commitment when your soul is exhausted. It’s asking your partner to take over bedtime so you can just sit in silence.

4. Find a Village That Doesn't Just Talk Diaper Brands

Seek women who talk about purpose, growth, and soul things. Real connection is healing. The late Maya Angelou once said, “We are more alike, my friends, than we are unalike.”

5. Speak to God About Who You Are Becoming

Motherhood is not the end of your story—it’s a new chapter. But even new chapters deserve space for the narrator.
“I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten.” – Joel 2:25

Citations:

• Sacks, A. (2017). What No One Tells You.

• Margolis, R., & Myrskylä, M. (2019). “Parental well-being surrounding first birth as a determinant of further parity progression.” Developmental Psychology, 55(4), 861–874.

• Angelou, M. (1993). On the Pulse of Morning.

• Biblical references from the New International Version (NIV)

There’s a moment—maybe in the middle of the night, nursing with one hand and scrolling old photos with the other—when it hits you:

You miss you.

Subscribe to Motherhood Unfiltered Series

Enjoy exclusive special deals available only to our subscribers.