What Is Secure Love, Really?

According to psychologist Dr. Sue Johnson, secure love is built on three pillars: Accessibility, Responsiveness, and Engagement (aka A.R.E).
In short: your partner is there, tuned in, and invested.
There’s no guessing, no second-guessing, no mixed signals.

Secure love means:

• You feel emotionally safe being yourself.

• Disagreements are handled with respect, not withdrawal or aggression.

• Your needs are acknowledged, not minimized.

• There's consistency — not confusion — in how love is expressed.

As psychologist Dr. Stan Tatkin puts it, “Secure functioning relationships are based on fairness, justice, and mutual sensitivity.”

Signs You're Experiencing (or Attracting) Secure Love

✅ You don’t feel anxious when they don’t text back right away.
✅ You feel valued even when you’re not “performing.”
✅ You’re encouraged to grow — not guilted into shrinking.
✅ There’s emotional availability — you can talk about hard things without fear.
✅ You feel at peace more often than you feel emotionally reactive.

➡️ Most importantly, secure love doesn’t need to be “proven” over and over. It just shows up, again and again — calmly, consistently, and clearly.

Why We Reject Secure Love (Even When We Say We Want It)

Sometimes, if we’re used to instability, secure love can feel… boring.
But as trauma therapist Bessel van der Kolk says in The Body Keeps the Score, our bodies crave familiarity — even if that familiarity is pain.

That’s why people recovering from trauma bonds often sabotage healthy relationships — because it doesn’t trigger their fight-or-flight system, and that silence can feel terrifying at first.

But healthy love isn’t boring. It’s peaceful. And that peace is where your heart can finally rest, not just survive.

How to Attract Secure Love Without Chasing It

💛 1. Become the Secure Energy You Want to Attract
Don’t wait for someone else to regulate your nervous system. Build emotional safety within yourself through journaling, inner child work, or therapy.

💛 2. Stop Overinvesting in Potential
Secure love isn’t about what could be — it’s about what consistently is.
Look for patterns, not potential.

💛 3. Speak From Worth, Not Wounds
When you state your needs, do it with calm clarity, not fear.
Example: “I need emotional consistency to feel safe in love.”

💛 4. Slow Down to Discern
Secure partners aren’t in a rush to sweep you off your feet. Let the relationship reveal itself through time and consistency.

💛 5. Honor Your Nervous System
Peace in your body = peace in the relationship. If your body is constantly anxious or confused, it may not be secure love — no matter how charming they seem.

What Real Love Feels Like

✨ It’s not a performance.
✨ It doesn’t require guessing games.
✨ It grows in the quiet moments.
✨ It holds space for imperfection.
✨ It feels like safety, not suspense.

You don’t have to chase secure love. You just have to clear the space within yourself to receive it — and hold yourself to the truth that you are already worthy of it.

You’ve survived the storms. Now you get to choose the shelter.

With rooted love,
Sofia Winters

📚 Cited Sources:

• Johnson, S. (2008). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little, Brown Spark.

• Tatkin, S. (2012). Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship. New Harbinger Publications.

• van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

Secure Love: What It Really Looks Like (And How to Attract It Without Chasing)

Tired of Games? Here’s What Love Should Actually Feel Like

You’ve done the inner work.
You’ve broken cycles, walked away from emotional chaos, and sworn off love that confuses your soul.
Now comes the most important question: What does healthy, secure love actually look like?

In a world that idolizes passion and drama, secure love often feels “too boring” to recognize at first — but it’s exactly the kind of love your nervous system, heart, and future self craves.
This post will help you identify what secure love feels like, how to attract it without chasing, and how to create the inner safety that invites it into your life.