Modern Love Unfiltered: Series 12

Are you in love with them — or just the fantasy of who they could be? Discover how to recognize idealization, detach from illusions, and build emotionally honest relationships. This Modern Love Unfiltered post helps you answer a hard question: do you truly love the person in front of you, or have you created a dream version in your head? When we fall in love with someone's potential instead of their reality, we set ourselves up for disappointment. Sofia Winters explores the psychology of idealization, the danger of projection in relationships, and how to ground your love life in truth instead of wishful thinking. Backed by therapist insights and real-world examples, this article offers clarity, self-check tools, and a path toward emotionally mature love.

RELATIONSHIP LOVE SERIES

Sofia Winters

5/8/20252 min read

“But I Know Who They Could Be…”

If you’ve ever found yourself saying this — pause.

Because what you're holding onto might not be a person. It might be a picture you painted.

In relationships, we often confuse potential with presence, fantasy with fact, and hope with truth. We fall in love not with the real person in front of us, but with their possibilities. And the danger? When they don’t meet the version in our minds, we feel betrayed — even though they never agreed to become that ideal.

The Psychology Behind Idealization

According to psychologist Carl Jung, projection is our tendency to put our own unconscious desires onto others — seeing not who they are, but what we want to see.
It’s why we chase emotionally unavailable people hoping they'll change, or stay in “almost” relationships believing that love will magically shift them.

Therapist Lori Gottlieb, author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, writes:

“People don’t fall in love with you. They fall in love with their idea of you.”

So how do you know you’re in love with an idea?

Signs You’re Loving the Fantasy,
Not the Person

🌀 You say things like “If only they would just…”
🌀 You constantly defend their behavior to others — and to yourself
🌀 You feel more fulfilled imagining the relationship than being in it
🌀 You’re emotionally drained trying to “wait for their potential”
🌀 You remember more about the beginning than the present

How to Love from Clarity, Not Illusion

✅ Reality Check: Who Are They Really?
Write down their consistent behavior. Not their words — their actions.
Does that match your dream of them?

✅ Detach Gently from Fantasy
Mourning the idea of someone is still real grief. Let yourself feel it.

✅ Practice Present Love
Can you accept this person as is, today, with no need to change them? If not, ask why you're staying.

✅ Date with Eyes Open
Don’t build castles from potential. Build connection from shared reality.
Real love isn’t found in projections — it’s built in presence.

You Deserve Love That Sees Clearly

Falling in love with a dream version of someone is human. We all do it.
But staying in that illusion is how we lose ourselves.

The next time you say, “But I love them,” ask yourself:
Do I love them? Or do I love the story I’ve written about them?

True love doesn’t live in fantasy. It lives in the real, the messy, the now.

In truth and tenderness,

Sofia Winters

📚 Cited Sources:

Jung, C. G. (1953). The Archetypes and The Collective Unconscious. Princeton University Press.
Gottlieb, L. (2019). Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.
Hendrix, H. (1988). Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.
Perel, E. (2017). The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity.